I have often been told that I need to work on my assertiveness. Multiple managers have shared this feedback with me. Often, more than once. It is admirable consistency albeit in a short 6 year career spent in 3 different companies.
I used to have a tough time unpacking this comment.
In fact, the day I began writing this draft (to expand on a recent Tweet thread), I got into a very involved argument with another friend about assertiveness. I realized that there could be a lot of other people that struggle with this feedback.
I wanted to share some things that helped me overcome this.
Feedback is subjective
I think assertiveness is a bit like driving in that sense. Probably all behavioral feedback. It took me a long time to understand this.
The comments on my assertiveness depended both on my behavior, and the other person’s experiences with me. To some, I came across as thoughtful but confident. To others, I came across as not assertive enough.
I realized that this wasn’t feedback about me as a person, but more about how I come across in certain contexts.
Putting across my opinion and my reasons
My assertiveness related issues were mostly work-related. I rarely had problems saying no in personal or social situations. (I am sure you can tell I am not very popular with friends or family!)
For a long time, I put this lack of assertiveness to me lacking seniority or the right qualification to make a decision or even share my opinion on a particular topic. I may have been right some times, but I was also wrong on many occasions. I could also trace it back to a fear of being proven wrong.
I started testing my opinion and my reasons and assumptions for my opinion. First with myself. And then later with the group.
My self-examination did one of two things. It either increased my conviction in my opinion/decision, or helped me understand what I didn’t know enough about. (Or when my reasons were driven by ego more than logic, because let’s face it – we are humans.)
Doing this, I also became more confident sharing it with the group.
Assertiveness isn’t dominance
The most important thing I realized is that assertiveness doesn’t mean getting my way all the time. That is bullying. I realized that assertiveness lets me air my opinions. After that, it boils down to the strength of your logic, the decision-making dynamics and various other factors.
People would mostly agree with me if I was reasonable. When I was in a group setting, key stakeholders would help out and argue my case.
Lastly, because I had tested my opinions and reasons privately, I was also more comfortable in changing my opinion if I realized that my assumptions or reasons were incorrect, or because I lacked complete knowledge or context.
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