Their approval? Just kidding. Or am I?
Let me take a quasi-analytical approach to this question.
I define gift as anything that provides me value without me having to pay any cost for it. It doesn’t exclude gifts from relationships and so therefore you have a social contract in place already. You may repay (or pay for) the gift in kind over time, but the act of gift giving shouldn’t oblige you to pay anything at the time of gifting.
Obviously all material gifts, like a new guitar, a car, an all-expenses-paid trip, will count as a gift. What will be the greatest of them all? The answer to this is probably going to be quite boring. Most of these things may be in my reach. And as for those that are not, I would prefer not to receive them at all because I will be spoilt for life.
What about immaterial gifts?
One of the most common ones is ‘quality time’. Is ‘quality time’ then the greatest gift for me? Using my previous definition, I will say not. Because when someone is spending ‘quality time’ with me, it hinges on me being able to spend the same time with the same level of attention that they are able to give. We both probably make a net zero benefit on this gift transaction.
What other intangibles can I ask for?
Some obvious ones are love, friendships, and relationships. Unfortunately, they are hard to quantify for my quasi-analytical brain at this moment. The other complication is that it is also something that manifests in multiple other forms – someone cooking my favourite meal, for example – that each could be a gift of its own. Heck, they could also result in a purely material cash gift.
However, one of the most important intangibles I can ask for is psychological safety. And I’ll tell you why.
All of us want to live a life with autonomy, freedom and dignity. Freedom to make our own choices, do our own thing, be our own person. It’s hard to do this and be our whole self when we fear judgement or any sort of a negative reaction from people around us. It becomes a whole lot easier when we are in a psychologically safe environment. The freedom to make our own mistakes, do our own things, be our own weird self. It’s a liberating feeling that makes us instantly at ease.
I have grown up to be a people pleaser all my life. It’s taken me a while to unlearn this instinct, and yet I still do it. But in psychologically safe company, I can be myself without having the responsibility to be agreeable with the other person’s views.
I can probably count on one hand the number of people who make me feel psychologically safe. I think that’s the greatest gift I can ask for. And that’s why, as a partner, a friend or a manager, I try to do the same.
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